WHO I AM AND WHAT I DO

My Journey

I come from a past where trauma sits in my nervous system.  Coping mechanisms served as a survival means to disconnect from myself through anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and their supposed roots in anxiety and depression.

These served to distance myself from the pain that I perceived as too high for me to mediate with my given resources at the time.  That is the definition of trauma: any perceived threat that is too high for our resources to cope.

I survived through restricting food, then bingeing and purging, and abusing my body with non-intuitive movement; auto-pilot functioning.

I can tell you straight-up that these tactics don't work to bring me to peace; what I desperately was seeking.

And more than that, I was at my highest weight when I was functioning in this utterly exhausted way of life.

Why?

The nervous system responds with sympathetic; fight-or-flight, when we feel an external threat.  My coping skills felt inner terror and chose one of the following: fight, flight, or freeze.

What these hormones do is secrete a myriad of substances through our bodies to halt rest-and-digest, aka the "parasympathetic nervous system" and save all our resources to fight the apparent threat.  Cortisol is a big one in the allostatic load of stressthe mental, physical and all other cumulative loads of stress pulsating in our nervous systems.

This could mean different physical manifestations in the body over time;

  • excess weight, or weight loss (generally, erring on excess to preserve fat-stores for fear of future starvation extremes in states of threat)

  • mental anxiety

  • depression

  • social isolation

  • inexplicable pain in the body

  • physical injuries due to holding the biomechanical chain in compensating ways

  • poor digestion (and the ensuing brain-gut related issues like anxiety and depression)

  • and overall Rough-Life-Syndrome.

For me, my weight fluctuated, my mental state was a mess, I isolated myself, took time off my Undergraduate degree in University, had awful poops, and was a pretty sour person.

The shift happened when I began tuning into myself.  It honestly started by putting a hand on my heart, after feeling like I'd hit rock-bottom with a fall leading to a foot fracture, moving home for half a year in university and feeling like I wanted to just call quits on this whole "Life thing".  I looked inside and saw that I couldn't get myself out of this pain through the means that brought me there; self-hate cannot get you out of a Life whereby you hate yourself.


So, with this tiny step, I implemented the relaxation state even for a split moment,  and my soul felt reprieve.  I began healing slowly.  From a calm self-loving state; I ate better, I moved more wisely, and I became stronger.


Weakness is NOT slowing down.


Maybe slowing down means a temporary break from stimulating and sensational heavy Life of moving so fast you have no idea where you're going.  Which is scary shit.  But given space and practice, imagine being able to channel that energy; holy shit, right?  There's no telling how much bloody brilliant expression of this energy can come:


  • Maybe it's an athletic event you decide you want to train for

  • Maybe you want to explore a creative venture you've always dreamed of

  • Maybe you will be the best parent you always wanted to be; your child's Superhero

  • Maybe you'll start your own business

  • And maybe you'll start to live your life instead of getting through the day

For me, my weight balanced, I started surrounding myself with people who enrich my life, my digestion got better.  I am waking up without a sense of terror, of doom in having to go through all the day's necessary tasks that served as coping mechanisms and instead I feel safe in trusting myself to make choices based on where I want to go, channel my energy.

Life is a gift.  So easily we get tossed in its turmoil of ups and downs, and hell we're human after all, so that's not our faults.  But our path lies in turning into that pain and using it to heal ourselves.