I had an interaction yesterday with my brother that left me feeling sad, hurt, frustrated, and my innate need was to internalize it and restrict and stay SMALL.
I am a professional fucked up Human Being.
–and I’m evolving mannnn, I’m sharing my story and I’m healing. I sat in the pain, I looked at it. I’m processing it.
Basically, his words left me feeling like I’m such a fuck up, that I’ve ruined his life, and that I should never have been born. That I don’t deserve to be alive, healthy, thriving. Innately, it made me crave my escapist self-punitive coping mechanisms; restriction and self-deprecation. I felt guilty, ashamed. Honestly, whether or not his implications were that, IT IS HOW I FELT, and that is TOTALLY ok!
Instead of doing any of the above self-punishment, I sat, I called my dad and used his loving space as a place to express my feelings. I journalled. I ATE. I made this video today to process the emotion and share my current insight from the feels.
Here it is:
“Ever feel like an imposition?
I’ve realized I don’t need to validate my needs to feel. I was born dis way, already allowed to BE. No need to justify BEING!”